Do you think that this is worth posting online properly?
So i started to write the whole story to this and then took a snippet for my english coursework, original writing. I want you to be as honest as you can and tell me whether its any good, i guess.
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"Listen to me, keep your eyes open Dan, don’t you dare close them." I screamed shaking his arm as his began to shut. tears were streaming down my face uncontrollably; all i could hear was myself screaming and the noise of Doctors and Nurses hustling around me, fighting to stop the machine singing a loud clear beep.
"Dan don’t, please. Stay here, stay with me Dan!" I kept screaming shaking his arm vigorously hoping I could wake him from the nightmare. I remember taking hold of his now cold hand and pressing it to my enlarged stomach, "Dan can you feel him? Dan don’t leave us, don’t leave me here alone. Open your eyes!"
There was no response.
People hustled around me calling out digits and names of medicines; the machine still singing its long never ending beep, one that haunted my dreams. I could hear myself breathing heavily trying to stay conscious through my tears. My baby, our baby kicking violently within my stomach, he knew what was happening.
There laid my love, my best friend, my husband, a father attached to countless wires and tubes. His body moving like a dummy as Doctors hurried around him. His eyes were empty. The clear baby blue that usually sparkled with passion has turned hard and emotionless. He looked so pale so fragile, his skin no longer had its tanned colour and his cheeks no longer a rosy pink.
This was my love, my best friend, my husband.
"Dan listen to me, we did not fight for three years to give up now. Do you hear me? You cannot leave me here on my own to bring up our child, what am I meant to tell him? For goodness sake Dan come back to me now!" I screamed as his eyes were now open but as i reached out to take hold of his hand a Doctor told me it was an involuntary reaction to the amount of drugs they were pumping through his body.
Suddenly the machine sung a new song, a song of countless beeps. "Dan!" I wailed now smiling that he had come back to me. His eyes began to flutter and widen as he looked for something, for someone?
I put myself in his eyeline and smiled, "Hay- Hayl." Dan tried to speak but instead let out a quiet whimper. "Shhh, Dan don’t ever do that to me again," i whispered back as I kissed his cheek. His skin was stone cold and my lips were able to feel his cheekbone through his skin.
"Hayley, Hayley?" Dan mumbled louder, I turned to face him. he looked petrified his eyes wide with horror. Slowly Dan placed his hand on my stomach, on our baby., "I like the name george." he smiled to me, the first time he had smiled in a long while. Something there told me maybe he’d be alright. "Shhh, you’re ment to tell me this in two months time." I laughed, happy that he was back and happy tat he actually looked better than before. "No. no hayley I’m-"," dan tried to speak but all of a sudden let out a groan and his smile turned into pain, severe pain. "I love you Hayl-…I love you."
The machine turned back to singing the flat toned one continuous beep. Dan froze, his hand fell from my stomach and hung lifeless over the edge of the hospital bed. "Dan? Dan stop come back, DAN?!" I began to scream aonce more and cried like i never had before.
I realised that this time there were no rush of Doctors and Nurses fighting to stop the machine singing, instead they stood there at the foot of the bed staring at me. "Why aren’t you doing anything? Hurry do something, he’s dyi-…. DO SOMETHING!" I scaremmed at the one Doctor his eyes locked on mine. I wasn’t given an answer there eyes told me enough, to give up.
I quickly stood up and went to the end of the bed where syringes of medicine sat unused, "Do something anything please. I’m begging you I can’t be alone." I wailed holding out the needles to a nurse who looked like she too was about to cry. She simply turned her head away from me and sniffed trying to stop the tears from escaping.
"Time of death, one thirteen pm." The voice of one of the doctorrs echoed around the room. I stared at him in horror. "No, no no no NO! do something anything please……..help please!" I screamed running over to Dan. There were still no Doctors or Nurse around me helping to save him, nobody."I am so sorry for your loss Mrs Greene is there someone we can call for you?" The Doctor asked me as he stood awkwardly behind me. Loss? I thought to myself Dan’s gone?
It hit me hard. I screamed, wailed, cried and whimpered as i sunk to the floor on my knees.
Now it’s the year of 2010, February two eyars after Dan’s Death. I’m sat on a bench, on our bench, the bench where Dan asked me to move in with him, the bench where we sat when I told Dan we were going to have a baby. Now I sit ehre without Dan but with our baby, two years old and image of him.
Messy brown hair, baby blue eyes rosy pink cheeks and the dimp
If this were ready for formally posting online, you would know it and wouldn’t have to ask here. Your instinct is right. It still needs work. Especially the dialog and the repetitiveness.
If this were ready for formally posting online, you would know it and wouldn’t have to ask here. Your instinct is right. It still needs work. Especially the dialog and the repetitiveness.
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